I'm so fucking centered right now
At least make sure they are 18
Why
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
