we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
