I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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