I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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