i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
