Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
