That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
