I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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