I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
