Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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