I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
