I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
