I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
