I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
