i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
