i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
