A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
