fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My feet surprised me
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