dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
