Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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