I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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