Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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