last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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