Can i not drive my cunt home
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
