So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
