I just cut my nipple shaving
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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