Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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