If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
