The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
