i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
