She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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