I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
