tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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