On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
