you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
