i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
