So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
