I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize