I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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