my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
