i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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