90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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