Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
