I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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