i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Shame - the story of my life.
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