I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
