he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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