where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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