I wanna bring you to show and tell
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
