i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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