i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
